As I write this, pitiful mommy tears are running down my face. Tyler used the potty today for the first time. He was so excited! I
was am so excited for him. I screeched, jumped up and down, clapped my hands and called daddy and all the grandparents so he could tell them the good news. Then I put him down for a nap and I cried.
I am so sad. I shouldn’t be, I know. This is exciting. It’s the beginning of the end of diapers. That’s exciting stuff. Plus, he is growing up and he’s smart and sweet, seriously sweet, and so funny. I am so proud of him. But, Jim and I aren’t going to have any more children. So every time he does something monumental, I am both extremely proud and devastated, because in that moment I forget that I really don’t want to have any more babies and all I can think about is that I won’t have any more babies. It hits me that already Tyler never lets me carry him and he’s only going to get more independent as he gets older. And he’s getting older so unbelievably fast. It feels like I haven’t even fully taken in the fact that I am a mom to this sweet little boy and he’s already grown up. Learning to use the potty is one of the last things he will learn before is officially not a baby anymore. I need him to slow down. It’s not fair.
People told me before Tyler was born that it went by fast and to cherish every moment but this is ridiculous. They should be little longer. I don’t think anyone could have prepared me for truly how fast it goes.
I always knew I wanted to be a mom but I don’t think I had any idea what it really meant until I held Tyler in my arms. Maybe I didn’t even know then. I had no idea that it feels like your whole heart is this little person. I didn’t know that with every new thing they learn you feel excited, insanely proud and a little sad all at the same time. I didn’t understand that when my parents would say “this hurts me more than it hurts you” they really meant it.
I read a book once about a man who could feel other peoples feelings as though they were his own. I think that’s what it’s like to be a mom. We feel our kids happiness and our hearts break over their tears. We smile and cheer at the new things they learn and we hold back our tears because they are growing up so fast.
Even though I am sad that he’s growing up, I am also excited. Every day brings something new and as he gets older he develops more of his own personality. It’s so much fun to see what he’s going to do or hear what he has to say. My mom told me once that every age was her favorite. She would catch herself saying “this is my favorite age” and then the next year would come and that was her favorite. I would have to agree with her. Each age brings new things to learn and discover. I just have to remind myself of that when I get sad to see him growing up. I need to remind myself when I have to chose between doing the dishes or playing cars to leave the dishes in the sink and enjoy every moment that I can.
Everyone who has kids has some piece of advise they pass on to friends who are having babies. Mine is to hold them. Do not listen to people who tell you not to hold your babies too much. Hold them every chance you get, watch them sleep, smell their little heads, hold their bottles for them for as long as you can. Don’t push them to grow up. It’s ok if they don’t give up the bottle at a year old or they still take a pacifier. Let them be babies because whether you like it or not they grow up quickly enough on their own. Enjoy and cherish every minute.